Written by Elizabeth Staton, M.S.Ed. Candidate
Communication. Separation and divorce can be extremely difficult, but it is in the best interest of the child to maintain communication with your ex. Communication is key to successful co-parenting. Tell your ex what you would expect them to tell you in regards to your child. For example, if your child needs vaccinations going into a new school year, update the other parent on your plan for making an appointment with the pediatrician. If communication is difficult, keep conversations brief and focused on the well-being of the child.
Find things to agree on. Discussing how you want your child to be raised post- separation or divorce models teamwork and presents a unified front to your child. In creating a co-parenting plan, be consistent and follow through with the terms you have established. For example, if you and your ex agree on a disciplinary routine for your child, be sure to follow through on your end. Finding things the two of you agree on encourages a positive atmosphere and a better chance of successful co-parenting. Legal or personal agreements regarding child living arrangements, financial responsibility, and child-rearing strategy are also critical components of co-parenting.
Be honest, trustworthy, and consistent. Communication, planning, and follow through build a foundation for honesty, trustworthiness, and consistency. Utilizing these characteristics when faced with the frustrations of separation models adult conflict resolution and healthy interpersonal relationships to your child.
Find a support system. When family dynamics change, support systems can sometimes get confusing. Find a support system outside of your parent-child relationship, or an outlet to release some of the thoughts and feelings you may be experiencing. Counseling services can be a great outlet and source of support during trying times.
Keep arguments away from children. A primary goal of co-parenting is to lessen your child’s experience of anxiety, confusion, or self-blaming thoughts. Research shows that exposing children to emotionally charged adult conflict results in the child feeling helpless and insecure, which may cause serious harm to self esteem and child development. Therefore, you may want to take appropriate measures to keep arguments away from children.
Be present emotionally and physically. Being present means being open and accepting of the feelings your child may be experiencing, as well as being physically present in your child’s life. The combination of physical and emotional participation is extremely important to child well-being and healthy development.
Encourage healthy parent-child relationships. Children may be unsure of how a separation or divorce will affect their relationship with one or both parents. It is in the best interest of the child to promote healthy relationships between the child and both parents. To encourage healthy parent-child relationships, you may want to focus on your ex’s strengths as a parent, model respect for each other, and/or forbid your child from speaking negatively about a parent in either home.
Explain the role of a potential step parent or significant other. Family dynamics change after a separation or divorce and they continue to change as you heal and move on. The introduction of a significant other may be new territory for both you and your child and, as such, you may want to have a discussion about this person’s role in your family dynamic. Communicate this change to both your child and your ex; including your ex in the conversation allows your child to continue processing this new family dynamic in either home, and with either parent.
Co-parenting is a challenging and on-going process for the entire family. If you are experiencing difficulty co-parenting, it may be helpful to seek outside help. O’Leary Counseling offers individual, couples, and family therapy to those looking for guidance. Our counseling services may help you and/or your ex work through deep rooted barriers to successful co-parenting. The O’Leary counselor serves to support you through this difficult time, and encourages the development of co-parenting skills previously discussed. Please do not hesitate to call our office at 856-547-1107 if you would like to hear more about O’Leary Counseling or to schedule an appointment. You may also find information about the practice on our website: www.olearycounseling.com.
Further Reading:
Parallel Parenting: Making Co-parenting Work in High Conflict Families - Psychology Today
Successful Co-parenting - Focus on the Family
Making Co-Parenting Work
